I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize