im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
