I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
