I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
high people should be assigned attendants
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
