Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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