she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
