I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
