i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
