apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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