What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
don't judge my taste in strippers
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
