Will you blow on my dice?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
