Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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