i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
