I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
