well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
