Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
