I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
