Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The air was thick with penises
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
