I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
