Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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