she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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