If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
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Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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