Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
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That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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