My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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