Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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