You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
