forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
