I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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