god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
