i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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