Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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