Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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