This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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