hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
