i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
