Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
