Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
