My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him