I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
