a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Are my feet made of real feet?
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I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Holy sore nipples Batman
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?