I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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