i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I don't deserve a penis
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
