lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
