Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
