You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
