evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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