my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
