If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
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I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
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Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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