"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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