Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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