Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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