I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
We smell like vodka and hangover
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