Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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