im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
