Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
