I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
