have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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