i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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